Hello Again

Well, a year pretty much flew by, and with it goes many lessons, many joys, and many revelations.

Right now I’m tired; it’s 1:30 in the morning as I write this and I’m ready to hit the hay. But as I look onto the horizon of 2017, a lot is on my mind. Will my job hunting increase? Or will I finally land that temporary income as I continue school?

Will I travel this coming year? I mean really travel? Will I get to go on that photography road-trip I’m always dreaming about? Will I actually get to do what I love? Will I be able to apartment-hunt this coming year? Will I get my B.A. and laugh in MDD’s face for thinking it could make me quit? Will Mr. Right finally come into my life (insert hysterical laughter here)?

I mean, even with all these questions, I’m content with where I’m at. Sure some extra money wouldn’t hurt. Sure I would love to find my better half and experience life with them. But honestly it’s ok. I’m doing what I can right now to make money without overwhelming myself. (I also will be starting a YouTube soon for a little extra cash but also just for fun). And I am OK with not having a man in my life haha. Seriously though, I am blessed with more than what I deserve, and if a good man comes my way soon, then that would mean the world to me. If not, then I’m honestly not going to whine about it. Life, although very dark and messed up and ass-backwards, is still beautiful when you look hard enough. Sometimes it presents you with its beauty upfront, almost as a gift.

But if I know anything right now, it’s that #1: my eyes are seriously fighting to stay open. #2: jesus better get his tush back soon before I create a movement convincing everyone that we should all do ourselves a favor and drink bleach. #3: I’m scared of my future and it’s ok. #4: my twenties are going to be over in the blink of an eye, so I need to start living… NOW.

She Danced Once

His name was Darkness.
His name was Broken.
His name was Beauty, and Tragedy.
His name was Hopeful.
His name was Real
And my soul danced.
For a little bit, she danced.

She danced until he broke her legs.
She danced until her ankles bled
And once she recovered she danced again.
She danced carefully.
She danced
Knowing eventually her legs would break again
Because they will never dance the same.
They will never dance as strong.

He saw her dancing and came to her
And thinking she saw light she moved toward him
And stopped when she remembered
That his name was Darkness.
His name was Danger
And she did not know if she could bring him light...
But she wondered
And stood still
Until he decided to dance with her or watch her die.
Watch her be killed.

His name was Darkness
And my soul danced for him.
She danced knowing she would die.
She danced knowing it was fine.

I’ll Always Remember…

The way the sapphires sparkled
And made time cease

The way you betrayed me
I'll always remember

The way I melted for you
Yet kept my heart cold

The way I wanted you
The way you were so bold

I'll always remember
The fire of anger you left for me
The trail of stones I'd find

I'll always remember the angel and devil
Within you that made me blind

Blind in the way of which to think.
The way your forehead creased
My human heart laid soft

The way your half-smile
Traveled into me

I'll always remember
The angel and the devil
The tormented soul you were

The beauty that was you
The tragedy that was you

I'll always remember
How fire turned ember
Still would not die
In the heart that was mine.

Untitled

When winter is changed
The fire no longer warms
I needed that flame.

Spring comes
With the promise of beauty
Delivering only mud waters.

My flame slumbers under the ticking gaze
The mocking gaze
It slumbers and I wait.

I wait
Where there is no sun
Spring never came.

I wait
As a fool would do
So will you revive me
When you find me breathless and blue.

Maybe You See Me

Robe falls
Blood drips from my fingertips
You can't see it

You can't see my form dying
But maybe you do

For the way you step forward
For the force in which you claim my mouth
For the way in which you mold my form to yours
To help me keep my warmth
To help me stay alive
You see it.

You wipe the blood with your fingertips
Ready to consume
Consume it into yourself
Consume me

For the way your eyes gleam
As you watch me come undone
For the passion you put into each breath
I have a reason
I have a reason to stay
If not for this moment alone
Then for the moments to come
The moments with you
The moments with those who see me too

While I die
I have a reason.

 

I Understand Now…

We all have our love languages.  For me it’s physical touch.  And I don’t know why I was wired that way but I can’t do anything about it.  It’s there, written in my DNA.

I can understand why some people choose to sleep around.  Not all cases are like this, but for some, physical touch is such a healing thing to them that they literally wither away without it for too long.

Now I don’t wana sleep around, but I definitely understand the strong desire to be wanted, even if it’s for a short time, because it’s been such a huge void inside my very gut for so long it seems.

I’m also a firm believer that, you know, you don’t need a man to make it in life, and same goes for the other way around!  But in my life, and in my circumstances, I know I won’t make it long without a partner…someone to call my better half…someone who will fight for and with me against this demon called MDD that wants to fully consume me one day.  I need someone who will be loyal to me, who will take care of me and let me take care of him…who will rub my back whenever he feels like it…who will kiss me like his life depended on it…who will hold me while the waves of pain come that I have to ride out…who will fight to keep me alive so I know that there’s a reason to fight.

Touch is more than healing to me.  It’s lifesaving.

And I wish more than anything that I could start sharing life with someone.

With each passing day, I feel myself growing more and more lost.  I crave for someone to be willing to take me into their heart once they find me; I need a home.  I want a home…