Well Then…

As always with this neglected blog, I seem to be surprised every time I pick up writing on it again for whatever random reason it may be.  Don’t get me wrong, I love writing, always have always will, but I should know by now that my day to day (more like month to month) schedule does not exactly allow me to type on this keyboard the way I’d really want to. But that’s more my fault really. The real reason I’m writing isn’t to give some unnecessary update on my life.

There’s something of a theme going on in my heart that the Lord has been in with me for the past couple of months or so, and more and more do I feel the need to share what I’ve been observing and being shown about the generation we live in today.  And how more and more I don’t want to be a part of it.

Now, before I get into this, I just wanna say that in no way shape or form am I approaching this from a “holier than thou” mentality. That is like the opposite of how I am approaching all that He is teaching me.  As humans, we naturally have questions and observations and debatable proposals in regards to many different topics under the sun.  So when reading this, just approach with an open mind..

Going on to the topic of church. Church like the building. Church as in what you might go to on Sundays. Not the Body of Christ :

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The other day, I was reflecting on worship and different types of worship within churches. And of course, my heart is opened to a viewpoint (maybe it was God’s viewpoint) on how we approach worship in church today.

I wonder who it was in the modern era that scheduled the messages to be the last thing on the church service itinerary. Was it always like that for hundreds of generations? Or is this more of a modern thing? I know not every Christian church is like this, but let’s be honest, most are.  Now here comes another question:  Whenever worship is done, time is up and everyone has to move on to the next thing on the list…do you ever feel robbed? Especially if God was really touching your soul during worship?

I think we might have things backwards…

I feel like I’m already all over the place for some reason but stay with me here…. So, during my thinking, I suddenly felt angered in a way. I thought, “Wow. Who do we think we are, putting Holy Spirit on a schedule (our schedule), and expect there to be real movement among the people because we think things went according to plan?”… ???????????

The schedule went on time, worship was satisfactory with no mistakes, no one fell asleep, good stuff praise Jesus!

?????????????????????????

Yes, the message is important, announcements are important, the bloody 30 second handshakes and shallow hellos for everyone are important (sorry not sorry my introverted self didn’t mean to sound bitter). All these things are pretty damn important but… why can’t we save the best for last?  Why can’t we let the Spirit move and work within us during worship for as long as He sees fit??  Why must we box Him in like we do?  Lol I almost want to not go to church anymore cuz of this, however it’s honestly something I can just suck up and take.  I mean no one is gonna stop me if I know the Spirit and I need more worship time and I leave the sanctuary to find a more private spot in the building so that I can be fully engrossed in His heart for that morning and know how He wants me to proceed for my sake and others.

My God, we have boxed Him in.

Honestly, the more I yearn to know Him and the more He shows me, the more I realize just how much He wants us to let go. For us to let go of our comfort, of our doubts, of our repetitiveness/our routines. He wants us to let go so that we can hand over to Him anything that holds us down and slows us from pursuing what’s on His heart.

Are we willing to disappoint those who may not understand what God is asking us to do for Him? Whether they may be a believer or not?

Are we willing to let Him out of the cage we have created for Him? We’ve lost the intricate keys to the cage a long time ago, but He knows where they are, and He’ll show you where and how to use them. For He is both wise and gracious. He wants to be free in our hearts. Can you imagine how much more He will do in our lives and in the lives around us if we allow Him to be fully Himself?!! Because He will not force Himself on us, it is not in His character.

Be radical (not an extremist of course). Be rebellious toward anything that would hinder His will. Just as Jesus overturned the tables of the sellers in His Father’s temple, don’t tolerate anything that would misrepresent Him.

Far too long have we given the world a distorted picture of our one true King. Our free and loving and righteous King.

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Hello Again

Well, a year pretty much flew by, and with it goes many lessons, many joys, and many revelations.

Right now I’m tired; it’s 1:30 in the morning as I write this and I’m ready to hit the hay. But as I look onto the horizon of 2017, a lot is on my mind. Will my job hunting increase? Or will I finally land that temporary income as I continue school?

Will I travel this coming year? I mean really travel? Will I get to go on that photography road-trip I’m always dreaming about? Will I actually get to do what I love? Will I be able to apartment-hunt this coming year? Will I get my B.A. and laugh in MDD’s face for thinking it could make me quit? Will Mr. Right finally come into my life (insert hysterical laughter here)?

I mean, even with all these questions, I’m content with where I’m at. Sure some extra money wouldn’t hurt. Sure I would love to find my better half and experience life with them. But honestly it’s ok. I’m doing what I can right now to make money without overwhelming myself. (I also will be starting a YouTube soon for a little extra cash but also just for fun). And I am OK with not having a man in my life haha. Seriously though, I am blessed with more than what I deserve, and if a good man comes my way soon, then that would mean the world to me. If not, then I’m honestly not going to whine about it. Life, although very dark and messed up and ass-backwards, is still beautiful when you look hard enough. Sometimes it presents you with its beauty upfront, almost as a gift.

But if I know anything right now, it’s that #1: my eyes are seriously fighting to stay open. #2: jesus better get his tush back soon before I create a movement convincing everyone that we should all do ourselves a favor and drink bleach. #3: I’m scared of my future and it’s ok. #4: my twenties are going to be over in the blink of an eye, so I need to start living… NOW.

She Danced Once

His name was Darkness.
His name was Broken.
His name was Beauty, and Tragedy.
His name was Hopeful.
His name was Real
And my soul danced.
For a little bit, she danced.

She danced until he broke her legs.
She danced until her ankles bled
And once she recovered she danced again.
She danced carefully.
She danced
Knowing eventually her legs would break again
Because they will never dance the same.
They will never dance as strong.

He saw her dancing and came to her
And thinking she saw light she moved toward him
And stopped when she remembered
That his name was Darkness.
His name was Danger
And she did not know if she could bring him light...
But she wondered
And stood still
Until he decided to dance with her or watch her die.
Watch her be killed.

His name was Darkness
And my soul danced for him.
She danced knowing she would die.
She danced knowing it was fine.

I’ll Always Remember…

The way the sapphires sparkled
And made time cease

The way you betrayed me
I'll always remember

The way I melted for you
Yet kept my heart cold

The way I wanted you
The way you were so bold

I'll always remember
The fire of anger you left for me
The trail of stones I'd find

I'll always remember the angel and devil
Within you that made me blind

Blind in the way of which to think.
The way your forehead creased
My human heart laid soft

The way your half-smile
Traveled into me

I'll always remember
The angel and the devil
The tormented soul you were

The beauty that was you
The tragedy that was you

I'll always remember
How fire turned ember
Still would not die
In the heart that was mine.

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When winter is changed
The fire no longer warms
I needed that flame.

Spring comes
With the promise of beauty
Delivering only mud waters.

My flame slumbers under the ticking gaze
The mocking gaze
It slumbers and I wait.

I wait
Where there is no sun
Spring never came.

I wait
As a fool would do
So will you revive me
When you find me breathless and blue.

Maybe You See Me

Robe falls
Blood drips from my fingertips
You can't see it

You can't see my form dying
But maybe you do

For the way you step forward
For the force in which you claim my mouth
For the way in which you mold my form to yours
To help me keep my warmth
To help me stay alive
You see it.

You wipe the blood with your fingertips
Ready to consume
Consume it into yourself
Consume me

For the way your eyes gleam
As you watch me come undone
For the passion you put into each breath
I have a reason
I have a reason to stay
If not for this moment alone
Then for the moments to come
The moments with you
The moments with those who see me too

While I die
I have a reason.